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Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners once more.

Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous homosexual males engage in open relationships, yet from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in significant pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I desire another man to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.

Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you might become more decisive and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person offering a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based therapy professional who specialises in treating sexual disorders.